You’re Going to LOVE These New Amazon Prime Services
Our E-Commerce Overlord Is Making Everything Easier
What would we do without Amazon Prime? The monthly membership — which gives you free expedited delivery on Amazon purchases, access to Prime TV shows and movies, and groceries delivered in 2 hours — is a favorite of busy professionals, shopaholics, and everyone who never cancelled after their first month free.
Now, as part of their mission to meet all of your earthly needs, crush smaller competitors, and fund Jeff Bezos’ dream of buying Mars, Amazon is unrolling several new services for Prime members. Get started now or regret it for the rest of your life!
Now Amazon will…
Walk Your Dog
You may be familiar with services like Wag!, which specializes in walking dogs for busy owners. Or perhaps you’ve seen that flyer your 13-year-old neighbor posted offering to do the same. Now, with just a click in the Amazon app, Prime members can benefit from skilled associates that will take your dog out or feed them. All you have to do is give Amazon a key to your house. For an additional charge, the dog care associate will take an adorable picture of your pup and post it to your Instagram (simply link your Amazon account to Instagram in the settings).
Bring in Your Mail
Once Amazon has a key to your house, you can activate PrimeMail services. If you’ve ever forgotten to stop at the mailbox or just didn’t want to walk outside, then PrimeMail is for you. A trained Amazon associate will open your mailbox and retrieve your bills, letters, and packages. In seconds, they bring your mail inside your home, placing it on a horizontal surface of your choice. Amazon will even open the envelopes to save you a lot of paper cuts and needless ripping.
Fill Your Ice Trays
Are empty ice trays driving a rift between you and your roommate? Ruining your marriage? Resulting in inadequately chilled beverages? PrimeIce is here to help. Your complimentary new ice trays have a built in sensor that detects emptiness (only in the tray, not your soul). Amazon then automatically alerts a local associate to swiftly enter your home and fill the trays for you. This probably won’t be the deciding factor for those on the fence about Prime, but it is a nice perk!
Change Your Baby
Her smile makes you melt. Her laugh makes you feel like you can fly. The way she says “mama” fills you with a level of pride that’s entirely out of proportion with the accomplishment. But the smell of her dirty diaper leaves you gagging, curled in a ball on the floor, with tears streaming from your eyes. That’s where PrimeChange comes in. A Prime representative will arrive within eight minutes carrying a fully stocked diaper bag. Before the stench permeates the house, your baby will be cleaned, changed, and massaged with a hint of lavender oil. For an extra charge, the associate will wear a mask of your face to strengthen the parental bond.
Opens Explosive Cans of Biscuit Dough
How many times have you just wanted some delicious flakey biscuits without all the trouble of making them from scratch? How many times have you bought canned dough thinking it will be easy and your family will finally respect you as a baker and a person? And how many times have you jumped out of your skin at the shocking POP that precedes that buttery goodness?
With PrimePop, you never have to suffer this fright again. A trained associate with great hair will take your can of biscuit dough and open it outside of your home. They will then return with your liberated biscuit dough and a bouquet of your favorite wildflowers (your preferences are determined using data from Amazon’s partnerships with Google and Flowers.com).
With Amazon Prime, you can live life to the primest. Sign up now to take advantage of these fabulous new services!
