What You Need to Know About Capricorn Season
Capricorn season is here and even of you’re not blessed enough to be one of us tenacious, ambitious Caps, you’re probably wondering how best to navigate the season. Or you may have noticed some changes in your favorite Cap’s behavior. We are a mysterious and capricious sort, and between December 22 and January 19, we are at our strongest. Read on for a few insights into the season when your most determined and ruthless friends are fueled by the favor of the stars.
You may know that we Capricorns are typically represented with a goat. This is because we are descended from goats. Consequently, we Caps have cast-iron stomachs (I have a great marinade for tin cans) and are spectacular mountain-climbers. 72% of the people who have climbed Mount Everest and lived to tell the tale are Capricorns. You just don’t hear about it because we like to let our accomplishments speak for themselves. Sometimes Capricorns are represented with a goat-fish hybrid. That’s just because we like fish sticks.
Although we have incredibly high standards for ourselves, Caps don’t mind letting others take the spotlight once in a while. While everyone’s looking the other way, we are plotting and scheming to make our next big move. Capricorn’s amenability to working in the shadows comes from having our birthdays so close to Christmas and other winter holidays.
While everyone else is busy buying gifts and decorating and baking gingerbread, we are in our dens (typically a basement or backyard shed) tinkering with the fabric of reality. There’s no need to worry about us working in spaces with no heat — Capricorns thrive on the cold (Elsa from Frozen? Total Cap.) If you see someone naked outside at 4 A.M. during Capricorn season, don’t be alarmed. That’s just one of us feasting on the chill (make no mistake, though, we Caps have NO CHILL).
*Fun Fact: Jesus was a Capricorn.
*Another Fun Fact: John Legend was chosen to portray Jesus in the TV adaptation of Jesus Christ Superstar because he too is a Capricorn. (41% of EGOT winners are Caps).
Despite our tendency to work through the holidays, Capricorns still manage to give very thoughtful gifts (Santa is a Cap). We will go through your social media history for the past five years, steal and read your diary, and call your estranged sister to figure out what the perfect expression of our love for you is.
And Capricorns love fiercely. Have you ever seen the third Twilight movie, where Jacob imprints on a baby and the purpose of the rest of his life is set? It’s kind of like that. Love is the greatest accomplishment a human can attain and we Caps LOVE achieving things. We will not fail.
Since we’re so serious and practical, it probably won’t surprise you to learn that Capricorns don’t tend to carry on with alcohol and silly hats on New Year’s Eve. We may make an appearance at your party, but we will probably leave early. In the final hour of the year, we Caps perform our secret sacred star ritual. It involves a broomstick, a bundle of sage, and nitric acid. Don’t worry about it.
Capricorn season may last a mere four weeks, but we make the most of it. While our powers are at the height, we plan for future opportunities, analyze important lessons from the past, and work tirelessly to grow our power and influence. Those children of Aquarius won’t know what hit them.