How to Raise Your Child Like a Startup
Every parent wants their child to be happy, and as we all know, the only path to happiness is success. And in a capitalist society, financial success is the only success. And unless you are already wealthy, that means working.
Startups are the future of work.
That’s why it’s so important to prepare your children to succeed in the fast-paced startup culture. These tips will help you turn your child into a thought-leading, industry-disrupting, fast-failing tool of the digital age!
Startups are the future of work. Will your child be ready?
- Remove all vowels from their names and play with the punctuation and capitalization. There are lots of Michaels, but your MKL will stand alone.
- Develop their personal brand early and re-evaluate every birthday.
- When they show you their latest finger-painting, ask them, “How can we 10X this?”
- Tell them to stop worrying about their 401k.
- If they need milk money, encourage them to start a side business. Get that entrepreneurial spirit going early!
- Set big, audacious goals that your child can’t possibly meet. It will keep them hungry.
7. As your family matures and expands, you may need to make some personnel changes. After 3 years, fire all your children or create conditions that cause them to leave.
8. If your child makes it to 7 years old, bring in a new authority figure with more experience but little understanding of your culture and industry.
9. Put a growth chart on the wall and set target dates for each height. A goal without a deadline is just a wish!
10. Make it fun! Decorate your home with bright colors and minimal furnishings.
11. Have a team happy hour every Friday. It’s cost effective because children don’t drink much.
12. If you sense morale is running low, cheer everyone up by buying one of those big snack packs of chips and leave them on the counter. Send a message out on Slack and they’ll disappear in minutes.
13. Assure your children that this is totally normal at their stage of growth.
14. Live in a trendy neighborhood you can’t really afford but is totally good for your brand.
15. When they ask about their stock options, just ignore them. If they won’t shut up, just sing “Itsy-Bitsy Spider” at the top of your lungs.