How to Flirt in 5 Simple Steps

A foolproof system for love

According to Queen, Jefferson Airplane, and Justin Bieber, we all just want somebody to love. Unfortunately, most of us have to struggle through the courtship phase before we get to the big L-word.

Fear not friends! To help you turn a fleeting glance into a lifetime of petty arguments, I’m going to share my five foolproof steps to flirting. They’ve worked* for me and I can guarantee with absolutely no reservations** that they’ll work for you too.

Step 1 — Ignore

It all begins when you notice the person you’d like to woo. Maybe they’re shy and smart. Maybe they’re rich. Maybe they’re that lumberjack-looking guy in your bowling league. Whatever criteria you use to determine your target, it’s time to take step one. This is easy because all you have to do is act like they’re not around.

This may sound counterintuitive, but trust me, I’m a master of this technique. You see, this approach works in two ways. First, your cool aloofness shows that you’re definitely not obsessed with the other person. The last thing you want to do is display your sexual interest like some unstable peacock. Pretending not to care is what separates us from the animals. Second, by ignoring the object of your seduction, you create an air of mystery.