Since I am finally leaving the North American continent for a brief trip to Europe, I recently started using Duolingo to practice my French. Although I studied the language throughout high school and college, those were also my prime sleeping classes, so everything’s a bit fuzzy.
Some people say language-learning apps only teach you useless phrases that you’ll never be able to apply to your own life. These people just lack imagination. The following are some of the most useful phrases I’ve learned on Duolingo, along with an explanation of when they should be used.
1. They are rich and calm.
This is the perfect explanation for when someone questions how a certain celebrity can still look so youthful after all these years.
2. The girl is reading a newspaper.
When a young person asks what the kid in a history book picture is doing with those big pieces of paper. You will then need to answer the question, “What’s a newspaper?”
3. I am a calm man!
This is an important phrase for when you are being questioned in a hearing to determine whether your past alleged sexual assaults and general demeanor should disqualify you from the Supreme Court. Scream this at any woman who asks you to regain your composure.
4. The rabbit is eating an apple.
When a solicitor comes to your door and asks to speak to your rabbit, use this excuse to get them to leave.
5. The tortoise is eating an orange.
When your boss asks why you can’t have those slides ready by the end of the day.
When someone tells me my nonsense about rabbits and newspapers is even worse than expecting everyone to know English.